The Cuckoo Syndrome, Part 2: The Relationship Cuckoo
Updated: Aug 2
Exposing Unhealthy Relationships
In the previous post, we discussed The Cuckoo Syndrome and how it can show up in your “nest,” your life in two ways: The Relationship Cuckoo and The Self-Inflicted Cuckoo. Either way, the goal is to expose the deceptive, yet destructive way your cuckoos can subtly destroy your purpose leaving you with a lifetime of haunting confusion, lingering emptiness, and unnecessary suffering.
Here we will explore The Relationship Cuckoo which is a chronic neglect of self due to consistently taking care of someone else receiving little or no reciprocation. To find out if you are hosting The Relationship Cuckoo, take the quiz © which will provide detailed questions designed to help you understand your specific cuckoo relational dynamics.
Hosting The Relationship Cuckoo can feel like you are carrying the emotional weight of the relationship, giving more than you are capable of, and saying yes when you really mean no. Your relationship with this person is not mutually giving and loving – it is lopsided because you are the one doing all the work.
You continually feel hurt by this person and you dismiss your own needs, wants, and desires in order to take care of them. They are never fully satisfied and do not give back to you in the same way. You’ve adopted the role as pleaser, rescuer, fixer, caretaker, or always the on-call person. The Relationship Cuckoo can sound like this: “I’m always the one who”…For example, maybe you are the one who always does the carpool or schedules the Zoom calls or does the household chores or pays the bill or runs all the errands.
Another sign that you are in a cuckoo relationship is whenever you engage with this person by stating your boundaries, sharing your thoughts, or expressing your needs, you leave conversations feeling confused, manipulated, and pained – even a bit crazy. False accusations are thrown your way. My clients say to me, “Did I do something wrong? This must be my fault.” Self-doubt is a constant companion.
What is the cuckoo relationship in your life?
The Cuckoo Syndrome can show up in unhealthy relationships with a friend, spouse, mentor, pastor, counselor, sibling, parent, colleague, boss, or significant other. Take a moment and be honest with yourself about who your cuckoo is. Naming this person and facing the reality that you are hosting a cuckoo relationship is the first step in your healing process.
Our choices and associated behaviors offer some form of benefit, or we would not be operating in a relationship where we are absorbing the responsibility for another person or a group of people. If you are the pleaser, caretaker, peacemaker, rescuer, or fixer, ask yourself, “What am I getting from this role?” Perhaps you feel worthy, important, or needed.
Ask yourself, “What does this role allow me to avoid?” Perhaps you avoid painful emotions such as the guilt from saying no and not being there for someone. Or, you avoid the fear of disappointing people you care about, or you are avoiding your own difficult issues. Or, you are afraid of losing this person and being rejected or abandoned because you love them.
Here is the most important thing to remember about The Relationship Cuckoo: They are imposters packaged in a seemingly good, normal, or healthy relationship, disguising themselves as the real thing, and mimicking who they think you want them to be. Initially, they look like they belong in your life.
The cuckoo process is sneaky, subtle, and manipulative. The problem with a cuckoo relationship is that you have deceived yourself into thinking you must do all the work to keep the relationship going and that becomes your primary responsibility. Your time, emotional energy, and thought life are given away to nurturing a cuckoo that is now bringing you hurt and harm.
The Cuckoo Syndrome represents a counterfeit purpose because it thwarts your God-given purpose (your dreams, passions, and heart’s desires) because the cuckoo becomes your purpose.
The Relationship Cuckoo can feel like emotional insecurity. This can reveal itself in questions we regularly ponder such as: Am I too much? Am I not enough? Am I replaceable? Am I worthy of love?
There exists a pattern in your relationships where you put other people’s needs above your own and have trouble setting boundaries. You eventually find yourself depleted, joyless, and your sense of self slowly eroded. My clients say, “I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel as if I have lost myself.”
The Relationship Cuckoo is an unwelcome partner in life who continually takes pieces of your soul day after day. We all experience The Cuckoo Syndrome at some point in our life. It is important to understand the truth that you are not broken. You are suffering. With time, self-compassion, embracing the healing process, and a willingness to do the work, freedom awaits.
Order Andrea's book, The Cuckoo Syndrome, which provides you with the necessary information to discover what makes you susceptible and vulnerable to being the target of cuckoos. You will learn how to navigate complicated relationships by learning practical tools integrating science, psychology, and scripture. You will begin the journey of reclaiming your God-given purpose and take back your eggs that have never been allowed to “hatch.”
In the next post, we will dive deeper into the self-inflicted cuckoo which represents our toxic thinking patterns and self-sabotaging behavior that contributes to our unhealthy relationships.
Most of us experience a combination of both types of cuckoos in our – The Self-inflicted Cuckoo and The Relationship Cuckoo.
If you need help navigating through a difficult, painful relationship, then I invite you to apply to work with Andrea one-on-one now.
**The content for this blog post has been taken Andrea’s book, The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior.