A Hidden Anxiety

The quiet anxiety no one talks about, but many carry

We all get anxious—it’s part of being human. But how we respond to it and what we make it mean about ourselves, matters just as much.

Many of my clients get stuck in the mindset that they’re supposed to fix their anxiety. When that doesn’t happen, they assume a deep fault lies within. That assumption—that there's an inherent flaw—is often the hidden anxiety.

Existential Anxiety: What It Is and Why It Feels Hidden

Existential anxiety is a kind of anxiety that slips into whatever is already making you anxious—like a work issue, a health concern, or a relationship conflict.

Existential anxiety is a deep, often hidden feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with you or that your place in the world feels uncertain—beyond everyday worries.

On the outside, someone experiencing existential anxiety may appear calm—but inside, their mind can be in turmoil.

Because of this, they might spend their whole lives adding to their anxiety by trying to fix it. As if there were some magic formula that could erase it once and for all.

I remind my clients (and myself): You are not a project to be fixed or a problem to solve.

Between therapy sessions, my clients often have anxious moments. Well-meaning spouses or friends might ask, “What’s wrong?”—followed quickly by, “Aren’t you seeing a therapist?”

I ask them, “Do you hear that as, ‘Why aren’t you fixed yet?’”

If this sounds familiar or you find yourself caught in old habits, then keep reading—this post is for you.

The Voice of Existential Anxiety

Existential anxiety sounds like:

“Something is wrong with me because I still have anxiety.”

Spiritually speaking, many clients also experience what I call faith anxiety, which sounds like:“If my faith were stronger—or if I were more spiritually mature—I wouldn’t feel anxious. I’d be healed.”

For example, Leah (not her real name), a client of mine, feels anxious about a work issue and ends up stress-drinking at night. But instead of focusing on the anxiety around the work stress or the drinking, she asks, “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?”

In moments like this, I ask how long she’s felt this kind of anxiety. Most often, the answer is: “All my life.”

Healing Takes Time

I know it can feel like healing is taking forever—but anxiety doesn’t just disappear after decades of deeply entrenched patterns.

It takes time to create new neural pathways—and even more time to repeat them, again and again. These patterns almost always happen unconsciously and habitually—often within seconds.

The hidden existential anxiety screams inside Leah’s head:

“I’m failing.”

“I’m broken.”

This frequently generates a desperate feeling—because she feels powerless, believing the false narrative that she can erase her anxiety and never fall back into old habits.

Clients tend to believe that if they can identify their triggers, they can avoid them—or better yet, fix them. But in doing so, they get stuck trying to fix themselves instead of working with the anxiety—which is not only impossible, but also inhuman, and frankly, cruel.

Ironically, that fix-it mindset makes the anxiety even worse—adding another layer of mental turmoil on top of the anxiety that’s already there.

In therapy sessions, clients often get stuck in the pattern of trying to fix their anxiety—before they’ve even named what’s actually making them anxious.

Instead of addressing the specific anxiety they’re feeling in the moment, they get stuck in anxiety about having anxiety.

Let’s go back to Leah and map out the difference:

Hidden–existential anxiety:

• Trigger: Anxiety itself

• Action: Try to fix it (unsuccessfully)

• Outcome: Increased anxiety

Present–moment anxiety:

• Trigger: Work stress

• Action: Begin drinking

• Outcome: Brief distraction through numbing and intoxication

  
  

I helped Leah recognize that her existential anxiety was the real trigger, and I asked, “What does it feel like when you can’t fix it?”

“It makes it worse,” Leah answered.

Just identifying the hidden anxiety made Leah visibly less anxious—because she saw how the existential mindset was amplifying her distress in that very moment.

I asked her, “What if fixing the anxiety doesn’t actually matter?”

“I’d feel less crazy. Relieved. Not alone.”

The hidden-existential anxiety fix-it mindset only adds fuel to the fire, making present-moment anxiety worse. What truly matters is how you respond to it.

How to Get Unstuck and Break the Cycle

Instead of getting caught in the urge to fix or erase your anxiety, you can learn to focus on what’s happening in the moment.

Start by noticing that the anxiety itself may be the real trigger right now.

Next, get specific about the present-moment anxiety—the actual issue you’re feeling anxious about.

Ask yourself:

• What thoughts are running through my mind?

• What emotions am I feeling?

• What sensations am I noticing in my body?

When anxiety about having anxiety arises, pause. Take a deep breath and tell yourself:

“It’s not about fixing. It’s not about erasing.”

Then ask:

"What specific thing am I anxious about?"

If the anxiety continues, gently bring your attention back to the present moment by reminding yourself:

“I can focus on this problem—not on fixing my anxiety altogether.”

Then, explore the anxiety and ask:

"What’s one thing I can do that might help me with this right now?”

Trying to fix or erase your anxiety completely will never work—because that assumes you’ll never be triggered again. You can only work with what’s here right now—the patterns playing out in the present moment.

Each time you get caught in the “fix my anxiety” existential and/or faith-crisis pattern, remind yourself:

I’m burning myself—while also adding more anxiety to the fire.

The reality is that you may never live a pain-free or problem-free life. But you can learn ways to find peace and confidently manage anxiety.

Where Does Hidden Anxiety Come From?

You might be wondering: Where does this hidden anxiety come from?

Most often—just like many issues in therapy and in life—the answer is the past.

Another form of hidden anxiety is the fear of depending on others for help. I call this relational anxiety.

In the therapeutic relationship, this can sound like:

• “I’m not making progress.”

• “I’m ashamed I’m not healed yet.”

• “I’m going to be judged.”

• “I can’t be helped.”

• “I’m failing at therapy.”

• “I’m probably frustrating my therapist.”

• “I’m going to be abandoned.”

This kind of hidden anxiety reveals something about the client’s history: depending on others once felt dangerous.

The anxiety shows up automatically and habitually—because it’s unconscious. It takes time to bring what’s unconscious into awareness so it can be addressed.

Often, in childhood, our caregivers hurt, abandoned, abused, ignored, or neglected us. We learned that relationships led to pain—not help.

Now as an adult, not depending on others may feel like protection or autonomy because we were hurt in the past. But today, it no longer serves us—and only adds to our anxiety.

Many therapists get frustrated and mistakenly believe the client doesn’t want to address their anxiety. But often, the client is simply showing us how they learned not to depend on others. That’s the anxiety.

Relationship anxiety often happens when you find it hard to trust or depend on others—whether or not you’re in therapy.

Healing Happens Through Relationship

This is why the therapist–client relationship is essential to the healing process—especially when working with anxiety.

Research shows that the key to positive outcomes in therapy is the connection between client and therapist—not the treatment model they use.

Models don’t heal people. Relationships do. In other words, what was harmed in relationship must be healed through relationship.

If depending triggers anxiety for my client, I can help regulate her anxiety so she can begin to feel safe depending on me as her therapist.

She wants help—but her anxiety signals that depending on others could lead to pain.

What she’s really showing me is this: If I reveal my need, problem, or anxiety to you—will you judge me, hurt me, or abandon me? She’s operating under a deep-seated belief:

Thou shalt conceal, not reveal

Because of her childhood, not depending on me is how she tries to collaborate with me.

Essentially, she believes she’s not supposed to depend on others. In her mind, it’s either anxiety or relationship—she can’t have both. So she develops anxiety about still having anxiety, fearing it will cost her the relationship.

Many of my clients project this onto me as their therapist. If this pattern shows up in relationships outside the therapy room—especially with authority figures—the therapist is no exception.

This often switches on automatically in session—especially with a client who wants to impress me. She’s aiming for the gold star. She wants to succeed at therapy.

I help her identify that pattern—and then gently redirect attention to the present problem that’s creating anxiety:

“Would it make sense to concentrate on this conflict at work—so we can help you assert yourself more effectively?”

I’m inviting her into a safe relationship by helping her address the specific internal struggle she wants to work through.

This reveals her hidden anxiety and helps her get unstuck—so we can shift the focus back to the actual problem she’s facing, not the anxiety about having anxiety.

She begins to realize that I want real responses, not “right” answers.

While this example focuses on therapy, the core truth applies to all healing relationships. Whether it’s with a therapist, friend, partner, or even your relationship with yourself, feeling safe to reveal your true struggles without judgment is essential for healing and growth.

Recognizing and gently challenging the fears around depending on others can open the door to deeper connection and relief from hidden anxiety.

Practical Steps to Calm Anxiety

What can you do when hidden anxiety takes over?

Here are some practical tools to help you return to the present and respond with compassion.

• Start by identifying your hidden anxiety:

  • Existential: “Something feels fundamentally wrong with me because I have anxiety.”

  • Faith-based: “If I were more spiritually mature, I wouldn’t feel anxious. I’d be healed.”

  • Relational: “I’m afraid to depend on others.”

• Pause. Take a deep breath.

• Bring your attention back to the present-moment problem you’re actually struggling with.

• Get specific: What exactly am I anxious about right now?

• Have compassion for yourself. Practice loving-kindness—treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a good friend.

In fact, research shows that loving-kindness can reduce anxiety activity in the brain. Self-judgment and criticism—beating yourself up for even having anxiety—isn’t helpful; it’s harmful.

Scripture affirms the power of loving-kindness and compassion:

“How precious is Your loving kindness, God! And the children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.”

—Psalm 36:7 (NASB)

“The Lord’s loving kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.”

—Lamentations 3:22 (NKJV)

"And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick."

— Matthew 14:14 (KJV)

Talk to your therapist. If you’re not in therapy yet, start now—don’t wait for a crisis. Commit to doing the deep inner work instead of desperately seeking quick fixes. It’s difficult to give up old habits that may be the only way you’ve known. But with time and effort, you can gradually learn to take control of your anxiety instead of letting it control you.

Changing anxiety patterns is hard work—but it doesn’t have to feel existentially painful.

The Secret You're Not Missing

If you’re thinking, “How do I stop anxiety once and for all?” The truth is: you don’t. There’s no magic formula.

There’s no single moment when—poof!—the anxiety just disappears. Instead, it’s an ongoing, cyclical journey made up of countless smaller moments that add up to a more peaceful way of living.

Whether your hidden anxiety is existential, faith-based, or relational anxiety—that is, fear of depending on others—or some combination of all three:

Take it one anxious moment at a time.

Notice it. Name it. Feel it. Talk about it. Release it.

And when the next one comes—and it will—simply repeat the process.

Again. And again. And again.

If you believe peace of mind or overcoming anxiety should be fast, dramatic, or look a certain way—and you haven’t experienced that—you might wonder if everyone else knows some big secret you’re missing.

Let me assure you: you’re not missing anything.

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P.S. Here, you’ll find a blog post where I share a personal story about hidden anxiety that deeply affected me during a challenging time of chronic pain.

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Need help dealing with existential, faith-based, or relational anxiety, or with any of these concepts above? Get in touch to request a therapy appointment.

The example of Leah in this post is a fictional composite based on the author's clinical experience with hundreds of clients through the years. The name is invented, and any resemblance between fictional characters and actual persons is coincidental.