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Andrea Anderson Polk’s Blog

Clinically Practiced, Biblically Informed

25 Helpful Boundaries for the Holidays + All Year Round

Writer's picture: Andrea Anderson PolkAndrea Anderson Polk

Updated: Dec 18, 2024


Women sitting beside Christmas tree and looking tired or depressed.

Are you dealing with the stress of navigating difficult friends and family members this holiday season?


You are not alone.


All year round I talk with clients about setting boundaries in their relationships. Typically, they request examples of specific language to use to communicate their wants, needs, and limits to others.


The holidays are often a time when boundaries are necessary, but difficult to establish due to various expectations, traditions, or behaviors of others.


Here are some helpful boundaries to get you started: “Thanks for the invitation. We always enjoy your company. However, we will be doing our own thing this year. It's been a busy, stressful few months.” “I appreciate you opening your home to us, yet we prefer to stay in a hotel. Having downtime with each other between activities is important.” “We are looking forward to being together, but we can only stay for a couple of hours.” “I know I agreed to prepare the holiday meal for everyone. Now I'm realizing that I need help because I’m feeling overwhelmed.” “Thank you for including me in your fun plans, however, I prefer to set my own schedule for the day because I need dome downtime to rest.” “I understand how passionate you are; however, I’d like to change the subject and avoid political discussions. I find them stressful.” “I have a limited budget, so I’m unable to contribute that $ amount and/or bring that # of dishes for the meal. Can we brainstorm some other options?”

“I appreciate your concern, however, please do not give me parenting or relationship advice, and do not discipline my children or treat my partner poorly."


The truth is…


  • It’s OK to not go all out decorating your home this year.

  • It's OK to not send out the "perfect" family Christmas cards.

  • It’s OK to skip preparing for the Big Fancy Meal and order takeout instead.

  • It’s OK to celebrate the holidays with NEITHER side of the family and do your own thing.

  • It’s OK to turn down invitations for that holiday party/dinner/gathering and watch your favorite movies with a hot cup of cocoa instead.

  • It’s OK to take this year off from buying gifts for friends and extended family.

  • It’s OK to take a bath, a nap, and read a book instead of searching for online shopping deals or participating in every single activity.


It's about the people in front of you. Cherishing and celebrating one person at a time. The holiday season is only as stressful as you allow it to be. Christmas is a week away - make it special, not stressful.


It's about the birth of Jesus who is our Prince of Peace.


Boundaries for protecting your peace, time, and energy can look like: “I am thankful you called, but I only have 10 minutes to talk.”


"I hear you that you miss me and feel I don't spend enough time with you; can we enjoy this time we have together now?" “Today is not a good day for you to visit. May I touch base with you when things calm down?” “Rather than stopping by unannounced, please ask first if it’s a good time to come over.” When someone is trying to force their opinion on you or engage in conversation that feels emotionally inappropriate, you can say: “I’m not asking for feedback right now.” “I need time to think on that. I’ll respond when I’m ready.” “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic any longer.” “I’d rather not explain myself or give reasons for my decision." In severe cases where it's apparent the other person does not want to honor your boundaries and your interactions become heated and intense, you can say: "It seems this conversation has turned into a debate, and I am uninterested in building a case against each other." "We seem to be at a standstill. Let's agree to disagree." "I’m going to end this call (or walk away) because I feel hurt and need space.”


"It feels like you are more interested in being right than prioritizing our relationship." Boundaries related to self-care and expressing your personal needs can look like: “When I wake up, I need 20 minutes of quiet time every morning to journal, pray, and meditate.” “I am looking forward to hearing about your day. However, I need to go for a walk every day after work to move my body and clear my head.” “I have an important work project due. I need you to take care of the household chores this week so I can meet my deadline.” “This weekend, I’m planning on having a day date just for me. I need you not to make plans with friends or family.” “When I share an issue I’m struggling with, although I value your wisdom - I need you to listen to me vent and provide comfort instead of trying to fix it.” “I need some alone time before bed to zone out and relax after an evening out with friends. Would you mind not interrupting me?” “I need words of affirmation; it would mean so much if you would compliment me more often.”


Make sure you offer mutual respect when the people close to you express their needs.


Feeling guilty when you express needs and set boundaries - especially during the holidays?


What everyone else does to celebrate the holidays is not always what is best for you.

For example:


After considerable discussion, you and your spouse make the decision that for the holidays this year you are going to vacation together and enjoy a relaxing change of pace. You want to spend much-needed fun time just the two of you. You need to take a break from the hustle and bustle of dealing with extended family - stressing over meal planning, scheduling activities, arguing over who gets what room, financial contribution disagreements, and engaging in the same draining religious and political conversations year after year.


You finally muster up the courage to kindly and compassionately tell your extended family you will not be spending the holidays with them this year. They are sad, shocked, and disappointed by your decision. Understandably so.


"How can you break this precious family tradition? After all, you have time off work, a nice vacation home, and space for everyone - making it so much easier on all of us.” Your family continues about how their lives are more stressful than yours and how they really need a break. “Why can’t you go on vacation just the two of you another time? Don’t you want to make Christmas memories together with us?”


After engaging with them, you feel the emotional weight of making yourself responsible for everyone's happiness. So, you tell your spouse, “Let’s just host everyone one more year.”


Can you relate to giving into the needs of others at the expense of your own?


These decisions seem minuscule at first, but when the pattern continues in your relationships throughout the year (chronic caretaking, one-sided relationships, putting other people’s needs above yours, or having no boundaries), you eventually find yourself depleted, secretly resentful, and joyless.


You gradually lose yourself trying to please everyone else.

The above example may not specifically apply to you or be hard to implement depending on your family dynamics...


Perhaps you have children so it's not just the two of you, yet you still need to take a break from celebrating the holidays with your extended family or not be the host this year. Or you're divorced and your ex has the children this Christmas and you need to say no to most of the invitations from friends and family offering for you to join their gathering. Because although it's thoughtful, it's also painful. Maybe you're single or you've experienced a recent loss and don't want to be alone, yet the idea of being with others who are joyful seems lonely and equally sad.


Either way - go on that vacation, take the space you need, say no, set the boundary, protect your peace, and guard your heart.


I can hear you now. That’s easier said than done. I couldn’t agree more. It’s not just setting the boundary that is difficult. It’s how you feel after you set the boundary that is equally difficult.


People will most often be upset and disappointed when you set a boundary because your behavior is no longer serving or benefiting them.


Or they simply miss you because they enjoy your company. You're an amazing person! I don't know about you, but I find it more difficult to set boundaries in mutually life-giving relationships with the people closest to me who are healthy and wonderful to spend time with. Whenever I say no, I must remind myself that they know my heart and will understand.


Trust your intuition and use wisdom when making compromises or sacrifices with regards to your boundaries. There's a difference between people-pleasing, codependent behavior and allowing yourself to be flexible about boundaries when you feel led or inspired from time to time. They key is learning what you make your boundaries mean about you.


When my clients learn to set boundaries, they tell me how guilty they feel. Setting boundaries can be misconstrued as selfish, mean, a lack of caring, or even ungodly. For this reason, as you begin to set boundaries, anxiety or guilt tends to show up. This is usually because your pattern of people-pleasing or self-neglect is deep-rooted, typically stemming in childhood.


Setting boundaries (saying no, standing up for yourself) often triggers an unconscious fear of abandonment due to the possibility of losing the relationship. Losing your parents' approval. Experiencing the silent treatment or even being punished. Being told you're disobedient and disrespectful when that's not true about you. Your behavior might have triggered their issues and insecurities resulting in being treated inappropriately and unfairly. Perhaps you experienced this pattern growing up.


As a result, you may falsely believe the narrative that your healthy need for independence and embracing who you are and what you need is wrong or sinful. That’s why many of us say yes when we really mean no because it is easier to avoid conflict and not risk rejection.


It takes consistency and courage to be OK with allowing others to be disappointed, hurt, or angry with you. It also requires resisting the urge to be responsible for others' happiness. And not making your post-boundary guilt mean you are selfish.


You might be thinking, isn’t family everything?


Even though someone is a family member, it does not mean you’re obligated to have a relationship with them if they continually hurt or disrespect you. Many well-meaning people believe that the actions of family should be completely overlooked, even calling it Christ-like. That we should just “get over” certain things. That we should ignore our own needs and put family first, no matter the cost.


Family does not mean a continual sacrifice of your mental and emotional well-being. For many people, family is a safe place of support. It’s people you can depend on and where you can fully be yourself and unconditionally loved as you are (boundaries included). For others, it’s not.


Perhaps you cannot cut family members out of your life, but you can set boundaries, refrain from closeness and deep conversations, or not see them regularly.


Recognize that people who do not want to respect your boundaries typically do not want to understand them and, therefore, cannot honor them. Mentally rehearsing conversations on how to get them to get it only drains your energy because you feel emotionally responsible. Instead, work on loving them from a distance, letting go of pleasing them, and show up in a way that is not costly to you.


Overcoming hardwired people-pleasing patterns takes hard work and commitment to believing the truth that you are not doing something wrong when you make room for your true self in relationships. And that having boundaries and expressing needs is healthy and human.


So, for all you people-pleasers who have a big heart to help and care deeply for others but feel emotionally responsible for carrying the weight of your relationships…


Take it as a sign of healing if you feel guilty or selfish when you set a boundary. The uneasiness you experience is often your pathway to peace and growth!


_____________________


Need help dealing with difficult friends and family members and setting boundaries or with any of these concepts above? Get in touch to request a therapy appointment.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrea Anderson Polk is a licensed professional counselor, nationally certified, registered clinical supervisor, and certified professional coach. She has a private practice in Northern Virginia with nearly 20 years of clinical experience helping hundreds of clients on their healing journey.

She is driven by a deep calling to help ambitious women of faith experience healing and breakthrough so they can live each day with peace and purpose. 

Andrea believes healing happens through relationship. The wounds that occur in a relationship must be healed in a relationship. Andrea invites you into a life-altering relationship.


Work with Andrea one-one- by contacting her here.

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Andrea has spent her career studying the human experience and has developed a fascinating analogy that compares cuckoo birds, nature’s master manipulator and imposter, to situations and relationships that leave us feeling drained, confused, lost, and empty. Her new book, The Cuckoo Syndrome, helps us fend off the cuckoos, the unhealthy relationships, toxic thinking, and self-sabotaging behaviors in our life that never truly satisfy the deep longings of our souls and the desires of our hearts. 

Andrea’s clinically proven, innovative method helps us recover the lost pieces of ourselves, discover meaning in suffering, and transform our pain into purpose by teaching us to uncover the truth of who we are and who God is so we can be healed and live free. 

Purchase the book Andrea’s clients call “a life-changing breakthrough” for yourself and the people you care about today.

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READY TO TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK?

 

If you….

Feel internal pressure to do all things well. 

Tend to neglect your needs to please others and search for validation.

Continually attract toxic or one-sided relationships leaving you drained. 

Want to build a life that is unashamedly true to who you are and what you want.

 

Then…this is the time to reclaim your JOY, ENERGY, AND TIME so you can live each day with peace and purpose!

 

Curious to know how?

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